This seems so cliche, and I know that – but I don’t care to be a cliche, because it’s a million times better than what I was before. I don’t know why I was given this opportunity, I don’t know why the stars aligned to put me in the position I was put in, but I’m beyond grateful and so proud that I took advantage of it.
High school through May of this year: negative self-talk swarmed my mind. I was constantly thinking negatively about myself, how I looked, what I did, how I failed, how I should be better than I was. Day in and day out – if you know what I’m talking about, and you’re going through it, you know – it’s exhausting.
Most people don’t understand, but some of us do. Nothing would make it better, nothing would quiet it down – it was just there, always, and I listened to it, and I believed it. I dug myself deeper and deeper into this hole, and the more weight I gained after having kids, the louder it got. It was hard to hear any regular thoughts over this voice, it was hard to find motivation to work, because I was sure I would fail – despite all my previous accomplishments, despite not really failing all that much, but it didn’t matter. I was mad at myself for being so ungrateful while living this life that I have so much to be grateful for. How could I be a good Mom if I’m not happy? How can they love me if I don’t even love myself? I kept it all a secret. My husband heard my cries and helped ease them, but it wouldn’t get any better because I didn’t believe in myself.
I wanted to be able to do this myself – like many things, I didn’t want help, I wanted to be proud that I did it myself at the end. But I needed help, and I couldn’t do it on my own. I would try and give up; and every time I gave up and started to try again, I would give up even faster than the last time. And then I stopped trying as often, and if I did try, it wasn’t hard enough but I would fall harder than before. It was like quicksand and I couldn’t escape. I wanted so badly to change, but I started to think that I was going to need to start learning how to live with it and be happy despite all this happening in my head. That’s ludicrous. But I started thinking it was what I needed to do; learn how to be OK with being desperately unhappy, because I SHOULD be happy, and have so much i SHOULD be happy about. This poured even more quicksand on my head, and I was there. At rock bottom. Drinking, eating, not taking care of myself – in fact, literally doing the opposite.
I started following influential people, to brighten my insta feed with positive posts. Autumn posted about the 80 Day Obsession challenge on the Today Show, so I filled out the entry form thinking “why not, no one gets picked for this shit anyways”. I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face for 3 straight days after that call came in. It didn’t feel real, it still doesn’t but it was. And just the idea that – holy shit, this is actually going to work. I’m actually going to do this, and it’s going to work – was mindblowingly motivating. Now that I think back – the ONLY thing that changed, from one day to the next (before and after the call) was me going from believing I couldn’t do it, to be believing I could. It was in my head. The answer to this whole thing, was in me the whole time, but I didn’t believe it.
I went through the program. I did everything I could do – I followed the meal plan, I learned how to eat the right way, I learned what my body needed to be fueled for my workouts and work the way it was supposed to. I pushed myself during every minute of every workout. I refused to skip or waver or cheat, I needed to change myself fundamentally, and I couldn’t get to the end of the program and not know that I did everything possible to make that happen. Everyday, I noticed changes. Physically. Mentally. My taste buds changed. I was starting to feel genuinely happy. Every Sunday, I could actually see changes in my progress photos – every day I felt more and more like this was actually a sustainable solution.
Half way through, Beachbody hosted their annual coach summit and I watched thousands of coaches get together and celebrate their newfound love of life together, and their successes as business leaders with their teams of people that they may have never met in person, but knew like their own sister or best friend. I wanted to be there – I wanted to shout from the rooftops and shake all of the people who were feeling like I was before, to tell them I figured it out. I started coaching, and it only exacerbated my excitement and love of my new life – where the ONLY thing that was different from before, was my mindset. Helping people is addicting, because I know what it feels like to be where I was before this. I know what it’s like, and I don’t want anyone to be stuck in that quicksand. I found what gets you out, and I’m gonna sprinkle that shit everywhere.
I changed my life this summer – physically, mentally and financially. Are you ready to jump in?